If every interaction comes with an exchange, maybe that explains it. He took my youth, I took on his sense of overwhelming responsibility and wanting to constantly flee from it. Responsibly too.
I am a completely different woman from summer to summer. It pains me and it fills me with pride too. Although I’m not sure you can pride on something you didn’t consciously do. Last summer, I wanted to stay the same. I was comfortably blind to the dysfunctions of my life. I actually loved them. An unhealed taste I did not want to take to therapy. Speed was not only a want, but a need.
Next, next, next.
Now I’m staying.
I was not trying to be the smartest. That was my favorite thing about our little world. That did not feel so little, or private. It was a space to be the labels nature brought us to life with and others we developed through trial and trauma. Intellect came when needed or as an incidental humble brag when we spoke about what our intellect had gotten us. ‘‘I’ll love you for who you are and what your spirit brings, not what you’ve done or failed to do’’ was the underlying message.
Relationships never fail to show us what we want more of, what we undeniably need, or what we are completely repelled by. I guess that’s why I was skipping on therapy. I was living in a version of it and discovering later the fruits of its labor.
Thirst for new experiences, joy first and foremost, respect for each other’s personal lives, shared future visions and no tweaking each other at will.
We sealed deals in various locations and we detoured to his home. Where he promised the kitchen and what would grow on the garden. We then met in my country. Where he met my brother and I skipped my mom, she knew what I didn’t want to know. Yet.
We left and I kept it.
The thirst, the joy, the respect and the vision.
The interaction ended. My life continued. It got worse, then it got better. That which we had, had been created by both of us. 50% belonged to each and it could expand further than our world. It permeated so many parts of my life he had not touched.
What he got from me, I could not say. For it would loose the feeling it gave me to know. But I am glad for both our gifts. The gift of luck or the gift of karma. Opening them always opens our eyes as well. To a thing, I hope, we don’t want to close them to.
I am a different woman from last summer.
I couldn’t have a pet and now I’d love a child.
I would’ve killed my plants and now I want to nurture everything around me.
I loved switching cities and apartments and now I am a home.
I wanted to search, now I know I am to be found.
I wanted to leave.
Now I really want to stay.
And all this healthy, not so subtle changes,
I cannot not pride on, but I thank.
Until next summer,
-Maria
Con cada carta siento que leo un libro completo con la historia que veo en mi cabeza 😍😍 gracias por compartirte!
Increibleeee