I lay down on the sofa and I look at the ceiling. I find peace, I go elsewhere, I want to stay as long as possible once I’ve entered the space.
I always dreamt of being lifted up into a cloud and staying there suspended for hours as the world went on. Nobody noticed I was missing and I had no business knowing what was going on down there. I keep being pulled by this vision whenever life gets too overwhelming. I find it funny and odd how being alive is some sort of demanded gift. You wouldn’t want to give it away. It was gifted to you as a warm gesture, but holding on to it, sometimes burns your hands and makes you want to drop it.
This began out of restlessness when I was living in Madrid in my mid twenties. I had few things to think about, but a lot of feelings around those few. I only knew I had to keep writing, drawing and gathering information from the chosen loneliness I was experiencing.
Sometimes we want to be alone not because we don’t like or trust other people, but because we are experiencing a version of ourselves we are not yet familiarized with. It deserves getting to know, with privacy and patience. With space and trust. Not yet being vulnerable to be creating consequences out in the world. It is like a prototype of a new version of ourselves. Shedding skin, naked snake, not ready to be seen, needs its break.
These transitions are inescapable, they pull our bodies for attention. You feel tired upon waking, maybe bloated, maybe anxious. You can see it in your eyes. You look in the mirror, not the brightest gaze. It is not just tiredness either. You look and feel different, irrecognizable to yourself. As if you were inhabiting some random’s skin suit.
Maybe when you are not conscious of these changes taking place but you just feel different, your spirit is changing while you sleep. Your whole interior is undergoing a transformation you’re unconscious of, but it’s fully happening. And the slight discomfort in the morning comes from adapting to all the movement there was at night.
Maybe feeling at odds with our bodies and low in social energy are not signs of weakness, or a call to push harder. But an invitation to go inwards, to go into hermit mode silently but shamelessly, and experience first hand the shedding of what is making its way out of yourself and the developing of the new. Not in isolation, but in solitude. As a ritual to say goodbye mindfully and greet intentionally what you’re becoming and what’s coming. Knowing you have a lot of say on what the new is.
May we look at the ceiling, as the mirror of the internal self and feel the peace it brings when we willingly look at it, rather than make a run from it. May we also be wise enough to dodge the mirror where we see our physical selves knowing we are about to judge what’s reflected back. May it also be an opportunity to practice neutrality, or even support, where we would usually jump with judgement.
The body pulls us inward when there’s something internal needing to be acknowledged, known and thoughtfully held. May we stop boiling in anxiety with ideas when what we need is warm solitude and silence. To retract, rightfully so, so we can come back restored, slightly changed and bold.
-Marguga
Words that speak to my heart❤️ Looking in the mirror to not recognise myself either. Years passing by. First time in my life feeling this way…old?...mature?
In need of choosing solitude once again to get to know this new version of myself who’s been knocking the door for a while. Giving her space.
Beautiful reminder. So much needed.
Siempre llegas a mi corazón y en el momento adecuado! Gracias por tanto