I will not lie to you.
I am a little confused on the subject.
Connection and creativity. Solitude and success.
What is the right balance between these?
What is the dose of community and connection that will still allow for deep hours of creative work and access to that very intimate space in oneself?
I grew up being a social butterfly. I changed schools and I was part of a religious group during the weekends. And I did ballet and Tae Kwon Do after school. This gave me many friends from different sources. They didn’t know each other. I guess this taught me how to adapt to different settings from pretty early on.
My life was fun and eventful and at times I caused a little too much trouble just by existing. That was fun too.
But there was one setting I always loved most.
A place where no expectations were placed and all of me was received. A place that informed me who I was by giving me the chance to be. Not asking, just letting. The creative capsule I had access to when I could lock myself in my room and later on in the small library in my parent’s house where I could use the computer for hours on end. I took and edited pictures and made stories that matched their tonalities and lighting, I wrote very short poems to acknowledge my depression and my longing for a more normal puberty, I got inspired with visuals and dreamt of writing for Vogue.
During that time, I wanted to disappear. Participating in life outside my self created bubbles felt like a drag. I was too skinny to exist and felt too fat to do so. But when I was creating something, I felt fully alive, things made sense. I proved my existence to not only be, but to really feel worthy. Isn’t that the truest longing we all have? to feel a certain way. We’re great at ignoring the facts, they’re rarely enough. We look for a feeling of enoughness, of true satisfaction.
And the best part is, it was all for an audience of one. Me.
I was my own witness.
I cared about the feeling I got by doing, not about what I was doing. I was a bad judge anyway. Didn’t know enough to have refined my taste.
My teenage years knew what kind of training they were doing for my adult career path. One can and must always respect the natural inner courses and undeniable desires, even if, mostly when, the outside environment questions it or does not agree or support it.
Looking for outside approval is the first way to reject what doesn’t need it. The self doubts gets fed right then and there. It is not about going against the environment, it is simply about rooting and going for yourself.
I spent years in my cocoon, healing, being quieter than ever. Eager in silence, I knew I’d be back out again.
Eventually (and intermittently) my social butterfly wings grew back and my normal social duties re appeared as if they’d never left. Interesting to note they never do leave, but you can always leave them. There is always a choice not to be there, so being there must hold more value.
This year my wings have been at full flutter.
I’ve been happy. I’ve felt supported, I’ve felt seen. I have lived this year’s most special moments next to people who will forever remember them with me. I have rekindled my love for all levels of friendship and for the great value of shared value/interest community.
I am plugged and connected to people I feed and get fed by. I have a net to fall on if I wish not to exist at my full capacity. I got the chance to try it and I loved it.
I am grateful, I feel warmth, I will keep this.
I am as fulfilled as ever with the life I’ve created and received.
And Oh my God
Do I feel as mediocre as ever.
I miss my loneliness, it felt like a page I could always write on.
I miss my New York strangers, expecting nothing from each other, everything’s a gift.
I miss going to painting classes daily. Nobody cared if I did go. But I did and I always went.
I have associated creating from truth by being alone with my truth.
I do not know if that’s right or wrong, I only know as of right now, it is true.
How true can what we create be if we’re connected and intertwined with too many truths at the same time?
Is that what brings inconsistency in our practice? Too much mixing, pairing and connecting.
Or…
Is this all a lie based on the fear that attachment could end up in loss?
What is even true and why is it so important?
Isn’t art always guiding us to discover what we would’ve otherwise buried deep?
What if the best art could come from connection? what if the sense of community whispers new colors, lighting and tonalities to the work? As it does to our inner environments?
What if solitude is a luxury but not a requirement for honest art making and creative exploration?
What if the best things come through others bringing the best out in us?
That including a new identity and a chosen possibility where art and a hyperactive social life can co exist?
Maybe these are all just options and choices and they’re all as true as we want them to be. Given the fact that we act from our beliefs and this will let us prove them ‘‘correct’’ later.
Maybe social butterflies should learn to fly towards themselves as often they fly unto others. With ease and speed and without guilt.
Maybe the wings have a flutter of their own, but we can also slow them down at will, retreat to our cocoon and rediscover who we have become after so much flying. Maybe there’s nothing to shake off, just a lot to integrate and consciously bring forth in flight and creation.
If we are to choose our truths, I choose to go off again to my cocoon. On to new land, unseen faces and eventually, the classroom where I do care if I attend class or not.
I will peak through the wholes and I will check up on them, without leaving myself, so I can come back and create.
Off to my cocoon,
thank you for flying here with me.
-Marguga
Me encantó !!!
Creo que son temporadas donde necesitas más de una cosa que de otra. Es como las flores, no florecen todo el tiempo y eso está bien. Un proceso íntimo y más personal después puede llevarte a abrirte y compartir. Primero va una cosa y luego la otra, solo que aveces sucede todo en un mismo día y otras veces te llevas mucho tiempo con cada una 🌺
“Maybe social butterflies should learn to fly towards themselves as often they fly unto others. With ease and speed and without guilt.“
That just hit the spot 😭 qué dilema el de querer vivir en solitud para mantener la práctica creativa intacta y nutrida, la culpa de quererlo y las ganas de vivir tan entrelazada a mis seres queridos. Y la nutrición a la práctica creativa que viene de la comunidad. Algún día encontraremos en balance?? Jajaja 🫠